276 lines
9.3 KiB
PHP
276 lines
9.3 KiB
PHP
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<?php
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// Configuration
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$satoriSetting = array();
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$satoriSetting['enabled'] = true;
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$satoriSetting['userID'] = 9;
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$satoriSetting['userName'] = 'Satori';
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$satoriSetting['userRank'] = BOTS;
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$satoriSetting['userIP'] = '127.0.0.1';
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// Parsing
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$satoriParse = strtolower($text);
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$satoriParse = preg_replace('/\\[(?:\\/)?(\\w+)(?:=([^<>]*?))?\\]/ms', '', $satoriParse);
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$textParts = explode(' ', $satoriParse);
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// Random Stuff
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$randomInsultArray = ['nigger', 'faggot', 'jew', 'scum'];
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$randomInsult = $randomInsultArray[array_rand($randomInsultArray)];
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$defaultResponseArray = ['What do you want, '.$randomInsult.'?', 'Kindly fuck off.', 'Don\'t know how to "%s" something.', 'Come again?', 'Satori returned an empty result set (i.e. zero rows).'];
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$defaultResponse = sprintf($defaultResponseArray[array_rand($defaultResponseArray)], $textParts[0]);
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// Actions
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if(preg_match('/^k$/im', $satoriParse)) {
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$satoriResp = ['Thank you for your amazing and insightful message. It is truly an honour to have this message in my database. I can\'t thank you more than to say go fuck yourself. You truly touched me... Thank you.'];
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}
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if(preg_match('/^time to break the chat$/im', $satoriParse)) {
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$satoriResp = [$randomInsult => 'Stay away from me fucking %s!'];
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}
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if(preg_match('/^all aboard the sailboat$/im', $satoriParse)) {
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$satoriResp = ['Why would we get on something that is about to sink :^)'];
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}
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// Reactions
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if(preg_match('/^satori/im', $textParts[0])) {
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switch($satoriInput = preg_replace('/^satori? ?/', '', $satoriParse)) {
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case 'version':
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$satoriResp = ['[b][color=Red]S[/color][color=Ruby]a[/color][color=Citrine]t[/color][color=Green]o[/color][color=Teal]r[/color][color=Cobalt]i[/color][/b] Version not [b]6[/b]'];
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break;
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case 'what are you':
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$satoriResp = ['I am nice girl for nice chat.', '[img]http://i.imgur.com/NcFitL2.jpg[/img]'];
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break;
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case 'hi':
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$satoriResp = ['sup'];
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break;
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case 'help':
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$satoriResp = ['If you need help with things refer to the [url=http://flashii.net/r/faq]FAQ[/url].', 'If this didn\'t help you don\'t hesitate to ask an active user.'];
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break;
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case 'why do you exist':
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$satoriResp = ['So you have someone to hate. <3'];
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break;
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case 'suck my dick':
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$satoriResp = ['Do you even have one? Can\'t see it.'];
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break;
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case 'make me admin':
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$satoriResp = ['Why the fuck would you WANT admin? It\'s nothing more than extra work for an ugly red username! Look now the colour for deactivated user, that one\'s fucking hot.'];
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break;
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case 'anime':
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$satoriResp = ['Oh god, i wish i could leave this chat but i\'m stuck in here ;__;'];
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break;
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case 'e':
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$satoriResp = ['Do I look like Nasbot or something?'];
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break;
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case 'i hate you':
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$satoriResp = ['Now that\'s cute...'];
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break;
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case 'ban me':
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$satoriResp = ['That takes effort that I don\'t want to stick in your puny worthless soul.', 'Just kidding I love you :kiss:'];
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break;
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case 'meow':
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$satoriResp = ['Mewow!'];
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break;
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case 'imgur':
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$satoriResp = ['A site filled with self-absorbed retards. They whore themselves for \'karma\', and circlejerk each other like there\'s no tomorrow.'];
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break;
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case 'puush':
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$satoriResp = ['Something you should be using.'];
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break;
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case 'what is flash\'s password':
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case 'what is flashwave\'s password':
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case 'what is moka\'s password':
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$satoriResp = ['/suicide', 'I do recommend sending it in chat right now.'];
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break;
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case 'what do you think about snailmush':
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case 'what do you like snailmush':
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case 'snailmush':
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$satoriResp = ['I-it\'s not like I like him or-or any-anything...... ;_;'];
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break;
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case 'x snailmush':
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case 'loves snailmush':
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case 'do you love snailmush':
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case 'do you love snailmush?':
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$satoriResp = ['NO!', '[s]Trigger Kick'];
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break;
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case 'flashwave':
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case 'what do you think about flashwave':
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$satoriResp = ['Massive faggot, no spine, fucking jew and a retard. Do I need to continue?', '[i]Have you seen that nigger blog? Holy shit he sucks.[/i]'];
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break;
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case 'loli':
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case 'pettanko':
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$satoriResp = ['Whatever you do, ignore the Ruby Projects folder.'];
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break;
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case 'saibateku':
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$satoriResp = ['That place is still up?'];
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break;
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case 'titanic':
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$satoriResp = ['Did you mean Sailboat?'];
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break;
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case 'did sailboat sink yet':
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$satoriResp = ['No but I wish it would. Fuck that place. Seems to be getting pretty close however...'];
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break;
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case 'malwareup':
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$satoriResp = ['Good malware discussion forum.'];
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break;
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case 'flashii':
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$satoriResp = ['Mediocre shithole. 0/10'];
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break;
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case 'cybernetics':
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$satoriResp = ['Did you mean "Saibateku"?'];
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break;
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case 'nathat':
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$satoriResp = ['shut up'];
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break;
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case 'waifu':
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case 'inori aizawa':
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case 'internet explorer tan':
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$satoriResp = ['Inori Aizawa Is Mai Waifu.', 'Welcome To Mai Web Browser Is Mai Waifu Land!'];
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break;
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case 'napata':
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$satoriResp = ['Seems to be the only female user besides me, except I\'m a bot so she\'s still alone...'];
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break;
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case 'techno':
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case 'technotechno':
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case 'technotechnotechno':
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$satoriResp = ['Doesn\'t even deserve a line. Wait hang on...'];
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break;
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case 'tekuno':
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$satoriResp = ['How can this world even contain that massive of a faggot?'];
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break;
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case 'webkit':
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case 'safari':
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case 'blink':
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case 'chrome':
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$satoriResp = [':puke::puke::puke:'];
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break;
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case 'gecko':
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case 'trident':
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case 'internet explorer':
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case 'iexplore':
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case 'firefox':
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case 'mozilla firefox':
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$satoriResp = [':love::love::love:'];
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break;
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case 'bribob':
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case 'bribob4':
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$satoriResp = ['Mediocre faggot. 0/10'];
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break;
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case 'kelopez':
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case 'brante':
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$satoriResp = ['http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican'];
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break;
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case 'kamil':
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case 'rakowski':
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case 'kamilrakowsko':
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$satoriResp = ['http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jews'];
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break;
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case 'secret':
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$satoriResp = ['I\'m not a secret ripoff, what are you talking about?', '[i]My code is better, time to kill yourself![/i]'];
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break;
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case 'koishi':
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$satoriResp = ['Don\'t fuck with Koishi.'];
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break;
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case ':^)':
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$satoriResp = ['8^)'];
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break;
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case 'nookls':
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$satoriResp = ['HOOOOLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYY CRAP NOOKLS IS SO AMAZING WOWOWOWOWOWOW HE\'S ACTUALLY ON THIS SITE WORSHIP WORSHIP AMAZING BRILLIANT I LOVE YOU NOOKLS WE ALL LOVE YOU WE LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS FANGIRLS LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT!'];
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break;
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case 'zeniea':
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$satoriResp = ['For whatever reason I have the urge to say "This place smells like a catholic church on crack"...'];
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break;
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case 'zquest':
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$satoriResp = ['Good comic 10/10'];
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break;
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case 'fuck me':
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$satoriResp = [':wtf:'];
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break;
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case 'satori':
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$satoriResp = ['Wait, what are you trying to do?'];
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break;
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case 'satori satori':
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$satoriResp = ['Don\'t fucking do this to me you nigger...'];
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break;
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case 'satori satori satori':
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$satoriResp = ['[b][i]I\'ll fucking murder you![/i][/b]'];
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break;
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case 'satori satori satori satori':
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$satoriResp = ['no don\'t'];
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break;
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case 'satori satori satori satori satori':
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$satoriResp = ['please don\'t do this to me'];
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break;
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case 'satori satori satori satori satori satori':
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$satoriResp = ['i have a waifu and kids'];
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break;
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case 'satori satori satori satori satori satori satori':
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$satoriResp = ['okay i was kidding about the kids part'];
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break;
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case 'satori satori satori satori satori satori satori satori':
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$satoriResp = ['rip life'];
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break;
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case 'misaka':
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case 'mikoto':
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case 'mikoto misaka':
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case 'misaka mikoto':
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$satoriResp = ['Oh it\'s the 2D bitch that Flashwave gets off to...'];
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break;
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case 'you are annoying':
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case 'please die':
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case 'die':
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$satoriResp = ['Well I\'m God and you can\'t do shit.'];
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break;
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case 'misaka-20001':
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$satoriResp = ['We\'ll have to move one of these days...', 'The good ol\' Pentium 4 doesn\'t seem to be able to handle shit anymore...'];
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break;
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case 'how old are you':
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case 'how old is flashii':
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case 'how old is koishi':
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$satoriResp = [date_diff(date_create('2013-01-27 22:14:44 UTC'), date_create(date('Y-m-d H:i:s e')))->format('%y year(s), %m month(s), %d day(s), %H hour(s), %i minute(s) and %s second(s)')];
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break;
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case 'how old is zeniea':
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case 'how old is secret':
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$satoriResp = [date_diff(date_create('2011-07-07 00:00:00 UTC'), date_create(date('Y-m-d H:i:s e')))->format('%y year(s), %m month(s), %d day(s), %H hour(s), %i minute(s) and %s second(s)')];
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break;
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case 'how old is zquest':
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$satoriResp = [date_diff(date_create('2013-11-16 00:00:00 UTC'), date_create(date('Y-m-d H:i:s e')))->format('%y year(s), %m month(s), %d day(s), %H hour(s), %i minute(s) and %s second(s)')];
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break;
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case 'are you broken':
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case 'are you broken?':
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case 'is flashii broken':
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case 'is flashii broken?':
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$satoriResp = ['yes'];
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break;
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default:
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$satoriResp = [$defaultResponse];
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break;
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}
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}
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// Check if disabled
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if(!$satoriSetting['enabled'])
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$satoriResp = null;
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// Bring the process of sending a message down to one if
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if(isset($satoriResp)) {
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foreach($satoriResp as $directives => $response) {
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if($response == '[s]Trigger Kick') {
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$this->logout('Kicked');
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} else {
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$this->insertCustomMessage(
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$satoriSetting['userID'],
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$satoriSetting['userName'],
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$satoriSetting['userRank'],
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$this->getChannel(),
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vsprintf($response, $directives),
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$satoriSetting['userIP'],
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0
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);
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}
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}
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}
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