diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
index c8d8e8f1..ef2823a4 100644
--- a/README.md
+++ b/README.md
@@ -2,6 +2,10 @@
 > Misuzu can and will steal your lunch money.
 
 ## Requirements
- - PHP 7.4
- - MariaDB 10.4
+ - PHP 8.1
+ - MariaDB 10.6
  - [Composer](https://getcomposer.org/)
+
+## Important
+
+DON'T RUN ANYTHING IN THE `devel` FOLDER IN PRODUCTION UNLESS YOU SERIOUSLY WANT TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP.
diff --git a/devel/insert-bogus-data.php b/devel/insert-bogus-data.php
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..3efb7403
--- /dev/null
+++ b/devel/insert-bogus-data.php
@@ -0,0 +1,482 @@
+<?php
+// Rewrite this script when everything has proper objects associated with it and use those objects
+
+require_once __DIR__ . '/../misuzu.php';
+
+if(!MSZ_DEBUG)
+    die('Not running in debug mode. Are you sure you want to run this?' . PHP_EOL);
+
+require_once __DIR__ . '/sample/MarkovDictionary.php';
+
+define('MKV_DICTS', __DIR__ . '/sample/dicts');
+define('MKV_PASSWD', '123456');
+define('MKV_MAIL', 'msz-%d@flash.moe');
+define('MKV_ALPHA', 'ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ');
+define('MKV_ALPHA_LEN', strlen(MKV_ALPHA));
+
+function mkv_log(string $string): void {
+    printf('[%s] %s%s', date('H:i:s'), $string, PHP_EOL);
+}
+
+mkv_log('Filling database with markov data...');
+
+mkv_log('Yoinked Database instance from Misuzu...');
+$db = \Misuzu\DB::getInstance();
+
+mkv_log('Opening role dictionaries...');
+$roleNames = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/roles_names.fmk');
+$roleDescs = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/roles_descs.fmk');
+$roleTitles = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/roles_titles.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking roles table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_roles` WHERE `role_id` > 1');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_roles` AUTO_INCREMENT = 2');
+
+mkv_log('Running slow cron to ensure main role exists...');
+
+// running cron before fuckery
+(new \Misuzu\Console\Commands\CronCommand)->dispatch(
+    new \Misuzu\Console\CommandArgs(['--slow'])
+);
+
+mkv_log('Preparing role and permissions insert statements...');
+$cr = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_roles` (`role_hierarchy`, `role_name`, `role_title`, `role_description`, `role_hidden`, `role_can_leave`, `role_colour`) VALUES (:rank, :name, :title, :desc, :hide, :leave, :colour)');
+$cp = $db->prepare('REPLACE INTO `msz_permissions` (`role_id`, `general_perms_allow`, `user_perms_allow`, `changelog_perms_allow`, `news_perms_allow`, `forum_perms_allow`, `comments_perms_allow`) VALUES (:role, :general, :user, :changelog, :news, :forum, :comments)');
+
+mkv_log('Adding permissions for main role...');
+$cp->bind('role', 1);
+$cp->bind('general', 0);
+$cp->bind('user', 59);
+$cp->bind('changelog', 0);
+$cp->bind('news', 0);
+$cp->bind('forum', 0);
+$cp->bind('comments', 137);
+$cp->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Creating Global Moderator role...');
+$cr->bind('rank', 5);
+$cr->bind('name', 'Global Moderator');
+$cr->bind('title', 'Moderator');
+$cr->bind('desc', 'They are global and in moderation.');
+$cr->bind('hide', 0);
+$cr->bind('leave', 0);
+$cr->bind('colour', 1693465);
+$cr->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding permissions for Global Moderator...');
+$cp->bind('role', $rIdMod = $db->lastId());
+$cp->bind('general', 3);
+$cp->bind('user', 25165887);
+$cp->bind('changelog', 0);
+$cp->bind('news', 0);
+$cp->bind('forum', 0);
+$cp->bind('comments', 57);
+$cp->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Creating Administrator role...');
+$cr->bind('rank', 10);
+$cr->bind('name', 'Administrator');
+$cr->bind('title', 'Administrator');
+$cr->bind('desc', 'Administration nation.');
+$cr->bind('hide', 0);
+$cr->bind('leave', 0);
+$cr->bind('colour', 16711680);
+$cr->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding permissions for Administrator...');
+$cp->bind('role', $rIdAdm = $db->lastId());
+$cp->bind('general', 39);
+$cp->bind('user', 28311615);
+$cp->bind('changelog', 3);
+$cp->bind('news', 3);
+$cp->bind('forum', 3);
+$cp->bind('comments', 249);
+$cp->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Creating Bot role...');
+$cr->bind('rank', 7);
+$cr->bind('name', 'Bot');
+$cr->bind('title', null);
+$cr->bind('desc', 'Service users.');
+$cr->bind('hide', 0);
+$cr->bind('leave', 0);
+$cr->bind('colour', 10390951);
+$cr->execute();
+
+$rIdBot = $db->lastId();
+
+mkv_log('Creating Tester role...');
+$cr->bind('rank', 1);
+$cr->bind('name', 'Tester');
+$cr->bind('title', null);
+$cr->bind('desc', 'Experimentalists.');
+$cr->bind('hide', 1);
+$cr->bind('leave', 1);
+$cr->bind('colour', 1073741824);
+$cr->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding permissions for Tester...');
+$cp->bind('role', $rIdTest = $db->lastId());
+$cp->bind('general', 16);
+$cp->bind('user', 0);
+$cp->bind('changelog', 3);
+$cp->bind('news', 0);
+$cp->bind('forum', 0);
+$cp->bind('comments', 0);
+$cp->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Creating OG role...');
+$cr->bind('rank', 1);
+$cr->bind('name', 'OG');
+$cr->bind('title', null);
+$cr->bind('desc', 'Arbitrarily selected people that joined in 2013 and 2014.');
+$cr->bind('hide', 0);
+$cr->bind('leave', 0);
+$cr->bind('colour', 15740285);
+$cr->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Creating Developer role...');
+$cr->bind('rank', 5);
+$cr->bind('name', 'Developer');
+$cr->bind('title', 'Developer');
+$cr->bind('desc', 'Moderators but without the requirement to moderate.');
+$cr->bind('hide', 0);
+$cr->bind('leave', 0);
+$cr->bind('colour', 7558084);
+$cr->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding permissions for Developer...');
+$cp->bind('role', $rIdDev = $db->lastId());
+$cp->bind('general', 3);
+$cp->bind('user', 25165887);
+$cp->bind('changelog', 3);
+$cp->bind('news', 0);
+$cp->bind('forum', 0);
+$cp->bind('comments', 57);
+$cp->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Creating Tenshi role...');
+$cr->bind('rank', 1);
+$cr->bind('name', 'Tenshi');
+$cr->bind('title', 'Supporter');
+$cr->bind('desc', 'Donators');
+$cr->bind('hide', 0);
+$cr->bind('leave', 0);
+$cr->bind('colour', 15635456);
+$cr->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding permissions for Tenshi...');
+$cp->bind('role', $rIdTen = $db->lastId());
+$cp->bind('general', 0);
+$cp->bind('user', 4);
+$cp->bind('changelog', 0);
+$cp->bind('news', 0);
+$cp->bind('forum', 0);
+$cp->bind('comments', 0);
+$cp->execute();
+
+for($i = 0; $i < 10; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Creating bogus role ' . $i . '...');
+    $cr->bind('rank', mt_rand(1, 4));
+    $cr->bind('name', $roleNames->generate());
+    $cr->bind('title', (mt_rand(0, 100) > 50) ? $roleTitles->generate() : null);
+    $cr->bind('desc', (mt_rand(0, 100) > 10) ? $roleDescs->generate() : null);
+    $cr->bind('hide', mt_rand(0, 1));
+    $cr->bind('leave', mt_rand(0, 1));
+    $cr->bind('colour', ((mt_rand(0, 255) << 16) | (mt_rand(0, 255) << 8) | mt_rand(0, 255)));
+    $cr->execute();
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening user related markov dictionaries...');
+$userNames = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/users_names.fmk');
+$userTitles = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/users_titles.fmk');
+$userSigs = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/users_sigs.fmk');
+$userAbouts = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/users_abouts.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking users table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_users`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_users` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Preparing user insert statements...');
+$cu = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_users` (`username`, `password`, `email`, `register_ip`, `last_ip`, `user_super`, `user_country`, `user_about_content`, `user_about_parser`, `user_signature_content`, `user_signature_parser`, `user_birthdate`, `user_title`, `display_role`) VALUES (:name, :pass, :mail, :reg_addr, :last_addr, :super, :country, :about_text, :about_parse, :sig_text, :sig_parse, :birth, :title, :role)');
+
+$ur = $db->prepare('REPLACE INTO `msz_user_roles` (`user_id`, `role_id`) VALUES (:user, :role)');
+
+mkv_log('Creating admin user...');
+mkv_log('NOTICE: All passwords will be set to: ' . MKV_PASSWD);
+mkv_log('NOTICE: E-mail address will follow the format of: ' . MKV_MAIL);
+$cu->bind('name', 'admin');
+$cu->bind('pass', password_hash(MKV_PASSWD, PASSWORD_ARGON2ID));
+$cu->bind('mail', sprintf(MKV_MAIL, 1));
+$cu->bind('reg_addr', "\x7f\0\0\1");
+$cu->bind('last_addr', "\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\1");
+$cu->bind('super', 1);
+$cu->bind('country', 'NL');
+$cu->bind('about_text', '# Default administrator account');
+$cu->bind('about_parse', 2);
+$cu->bind('sig_text', '[b]Administrative Signature[/b]');
+$cu->bind('sig_parse', 1);
+$cu->bind('birth', '2013-01-27');
+$cu->bind('title', null);
+$cu->bind('role', 3);
+$cu->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding Global Moderator role to admin...');
+$ur->bind('user', 1);
+$ur->bind('role', 2);
+$ur->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding Administrator role to admin...');
+$ur->bind('user', 1);
+$ur->bind('role', 3);
+$ur->execute();
+
+mkv_log('Adding Developer role to admin...');
+$ur->bind('user', 1);
+$ur->bind('role', 8);
+$ur->execute();
+
+$cu->bind('super', 0);
+
+for($i = 1; $i < 2000; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Creating bogus user ' . $i . '...');
+    $cu->bind('name', mb_substr($userNames->generate(), 0, 200, 'utf-8') . $i);
+    $cu->bind('pass', password_hash(MKV_PASSWD, PASSWORD_ARGON2ID));
+    $cu->bind('mail', sprintf(MKV_MAIL, ($i + 1)));
+    $cu->bind('reg_addr', random_bytes(mt_rand(0, 1) ? 4 : 16));
+    $cu->bind('last_addr', random_bytes(mt_rand(0, 1) ? 4 : 16));
+    $cu->bind('country', MKV_ALPHA[mt_rand(0, MKV_ALPHA_LEN - 1)] . MKV_ALPHA[mt_rand(0, MKV_ALPHA_LEN - 1)]);
+    $cu->bind('about_text', mb_substr($userAbouts->generate(), 0, 60000, 'utf-8'));
+    $cu->bind('about_parse', mt_rand(0, 2));
+    $cu->bind('sig_text', mb_substr($userSigs->generate(), 0, 1000, 'utf-8'));
+    $cu->bind('sig_parse', mt_rand(0, 2));
+    $cu->bind('birth', date('Y-m-d', mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF)));
+    $cu->bind('title', mt_rand(0, 100) > 90 ? mb_substr($userTitles->generate(), 0, 64, 'utf-8') : null);
+    $cu->bind('role', mt_rand(9, 18));
+    $cu->execute();
+
+    $uId = $db->lastId();
+
+    for($j = 0; $j < mt_rand(1, 4); ++$j) {
+        $brid = mt_rand(9, 18);
+        mkv_log('Adding role ' . $brid . ' to bogus user id ' . $uId . '...');
+        $ur->bind('user', $uId);
+        $ur->bind('role', $brid);
+        $ur->execute();
+    }
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening changelog tag markov dictionaries...');
+$changeTagsNames = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/changes_tags_names.fmk');
+$changeTagsDescs = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/changes_tags_descs.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking changelog tags table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_changelog_tags`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_changelog_tags` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Preparing changelog insert statements...');
+$ct = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_changelog_tags` (`tag_name`, `tag_description`) VALUES (:name, :descr)');
+$cTagIds = [];
+
+for($i = 0; $i < 20; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Inserting bogus changelog tag...');
+    $ct->bind('name', mb_substr($changeTagsNames->generate(), 0, 200, 'utf-8') . $i);
+    $ct->bind('descr', mb_substr($changeTagsDescs->generate(), 0, 60000, 'utf-8'));
+    $ct->execute();
+    $cTagIds[] = $db->lastId();
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening changelog changes markov dictionaries...');
+$changeLogs = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/changes_logs.fmk');
+$changeTexts = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/changes_texts.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking changelog changes tables...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_changelog_changes`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_changelog_changes` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Preparing changelog changes statements...');
+$cc = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_changelog_changes` (`user_id`, `change_action`, `change_created`, `change_log`, `change_text`) VALUES (:user, :action, FROM_UNIXTIME(:created), :log, :text)');
+$ctt = $db->prepare('REPLACE INTO `msz_changelog_change_tags` (`change_id`, `tag_id`) VALUES (:change, :tag)');
+
+$max = mt_rand(1000, 10000);
+mkv_log('Inserting ' . $max . ' changelog entries...');
+for($i = 0; $i < $max; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Inserting bogus change ' . $i . '...');
+    $userId = mt_rand(-100, 2000);
+    if($userId < 1)
+        $userId = null;
+    $cc->bind('user', $userId);
+    $cc->bind('action', mt_rand(0, 6));
+    $cc->bind('created', mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF));
+    $cc->bind('log', mb_substr($changeLogs->generate(), 0, 240, 'utf-8'));
+    $cc->bind('text', mt_rand(0, 100) > 90 ? mb_substr($changeTexts->generate(), 0, 60000, 'utf-8') : null);
+    $cc->execute();
+
+    $ctt->bind('change', $db->lastId());
+
+    for($j = 0; $j < mt_rand(1, 5); ++$j) {
+        $btag = $cTagIds[array_rand($cTagIds)];
+        mkv_log('Adding tag ' . $btag . ' to bogus change ' . $i . '...');
+        $ctt->bind('tag', $btag);
+        $ctt->execute();
+    }
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening news category markov dictionaries...');
+$newsCatsNames = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/news_cats_names.fmk');
+$newsCatsDescs = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/news_cats_descs.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking news categories table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_news_categories`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_news_categories` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Preparing news categories insert statements...');
+$nc = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_news_categories` (`category_name`, `category_description`, `category_is_hidden`) VALUES (:name, :descr, :hidden)');
+$ncIds = [];
+
+for($i = 0; $i < 10; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Creating bogus news category ' . $i . '...');
+    $nc->bind('name', mb_substr($newsCatsNames->generate(), 0, 200, 'utf-8'));
+    $nc->bind('descr', mb_substr($newsCatsDescs->generate(), 0, 60000, 'utf-8'));
+    $nc->bind('hidden', mt_rand(0, 1));
+    $nc->execute();
+    $ncIds[] = $db->lastId();
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening news post markov dictionaries...');
+$newsPostsTitles = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/news_posts_titles.fmk');
+$newsPostsTexts = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/news_posts_texts.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking news posts table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_news_posts`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_news_posts` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Preparing news posts table...');
+$np = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_news_posts` (`category_id`, `user_id`, `post_is_featured`, `post_title`, `post_text`) VALUES (:category, :user, :featured, :title, :text)');
+
+for($i = 0; $i < 200; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Creating bogus news post ' . $i . '...');
+    $np->bind('category', $ncIds[array_rand($ncIds)]);
+    $np->bind('user', mt_rand(1, 2000));
+    $np->bind('featured', mt_rand(0, 1));
+    $np->bind('title', mb_substr($newsPostsTitles->generate(), 0, 200, 'utf-8'));
+    $np->bind('text', mb_substr($newsPostsTexts->generate(), 0, 60000, 'utf-8'));
+    $np->execute();
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening forum category markov dictionaries...');
+$forumCatsNames = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/forums_cats_names.fmk');
+$forumCatsDescs = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/forums_cats_descs.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking forum category table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_forum_categories`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_forum_categories` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Inserting 5 root categories and permissions...');
+for($i = 0; $i < 5; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Inserting bogus category ' . $i . '...');
+    $ic = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_forum_categories` (`forum_name`, `forum_type`) VALUES (:name, 1)');
+    $ic->bind('name', mb_substr($forumCatsNames->generate(), 0, 240, 'utf-8'));
+    $ic->execute();
+
+    mkv_log('Inserting permissions for bogus category ' . $i . '...');
+    $ip = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_forum_permissions` (`forum_id`, `forum_perms_allow`) VALUES (:cat, 3)');
+    $ip->bind('cat', $i + 1);
+    $ip->execute();
+}
+
+$categories = mt_rand(20, 40);
+mkv_log('Inserting ' . $categories . ' forum sections...');
+
+$catIds = [];
+for($i = 0; $i < $categories; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Inserting bogus forum section ' . $i . '...');
+    $ic = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_forum_categories` (`forum_name`, `forum_type`, `forum_description`, `forum_parent`) VALUES (:name, 0, :desc, :parent)');
+    $ic->bind('name', mb_substr($forumCatsNames->generate(), 0, 240, 'utf-8'));
+    $ic->bind('desc', mb_substr($forumCatsDescs->generate(), 0, 1200, 'utf-8'));
+    $ic->bind('parent', mt_rand(1, 5));
+    $ic->execute();
+    $catIds[] = $db->lastId();
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening forum topic title markov dictionary...');
+$forumTopicsTitles = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/forums_topics_titles.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking forum topics table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_forum_topics`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_forum_topics` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Preparing forum topic insertion statement...');
+$ft = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_forum_topics` (`forum_id`, `user_id`, `topic_type`, `topic_title`, `topic_count_views`, `topic_created`, `topic_bumped`, `topic_deleted`, `topic_locked`) VALUES (:cat, :user, :type, :title, :views, FROM_UNIXTIME(:created), FROM_UNIXTIME(:bumped), FROM_UNIXTIME(:deleted), FROM_UNIXTIME(:locked))');
+
+$topics = mt_rand(200, 2000);
+mkv_log('Creating ' . $topics . ' bogus forum topics...');
+
+$topIds = [];
+for($i = 0; $i < $topics; ++$i) {
+    mkv_log('Creating bogus topic ' . $i . '...');
+    $userId = mt_rand(-100, 2000);
+    if($userId < 1)
+        $userId = null;
+    $type = mt_rand(-1000, 2);
+    if($type < 1)
+        $type = 0;
+    $ft->bind('cat', $catIds[array_rand($catIds)]);
+    $ft->bind('user', $userId);
+    $ft->bind('type', $type);
+    $ft->bind('title', mb_substr($forumTopicsTitles->generate(), 0, 240, 'utf-8'));
+    $ft->bind('views', mt_rand(0, 10000));
+    $ft->bind('created', mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF));
+    $ft->bind('bumped', mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF));
+    $ft->bind('deleted', mt_rand(0, 10000) > 9999 ? mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF) : null);
+    $ft->bind('locked', mt_rand(0, 10000) > 9900 ? mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF) : null);
+    $ft->execute();
+    $topIds[] = $db->lastId();
+}
+
+mkv_log('Opening forum post text markov dictionary...');
+$forumPostsTexts = new MarkovDictionary(MKV_DICTS . '/forums_posts_texts.fmk');
+
+mkv_log('Nuking forum posts table...');
+$db->exec('DELETE FROM `msz_forum_posts`');
+$db->exec('ALTER TABLE `msz_forum_posts` AUTO_INCREMENT = 1');
+
+mkv_log('Preparing forum post insertion statement...');
+$fp = $db->prepare('INSERT INTO `msz_forum_posts` (`topic_id`, `forum_id`, `user_id`, `post_ip`, `post_text`, `post_parse`, `post_display_signature`, `post_created`, `post_edited`, `post_deleted`) VALUES (:topic, 1, :user, :addr, :text, :parse, :sig, FROM_UNIXTIME(:created), FROM_UNIXTIME(:edited), FROM_UNIXTIME(:deleted))');
+
+$topCount = count($topIds);
+for($t = 0; $t < $topCount; ++$t) {
+    $posts = mt_rand(1, 600);
+    $topId = $topIds[$t];
+
+    mkv_log('Inserting ' . $posts . ' bogus forum posts for bogus topic ' . $topId . '...');
+
+    $fp->bind('topic', $topId);
+
+    for($i = 0; $i < $posts; ++$i) {
+        mkv_log('Inserting bogus post ' . $i . ' into bogus topic ' . $topId . '...');
+
+        $userId = mt_rand(-100, 2000);
+        if($userId < 1)
+            $userId = null;
+        $fp->bind('user', $userId);
+        $fp->bind('addr', random_bytes(mt_rand(0, 1) ? 4 : 16));
+        $fp->bind('text', mb_substr($forumPostsTexts->generate(), 0, 60000, 'utf-8'));
+        $fp->bind('parse', mt_rand(0, 2));
+        $fp->bind('sig', mt_rand(0, 1000) > 900 ? 0 : 1);
+        $fp->bind('created', mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF));
+        $fp->bind('created', mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF));
+        $fp->bind('edited', mt_rand(0, 1000) > 900 ? mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF) : null);
+        $fp->bind('deleted', mt_rand(0, 10000) > 9000 ? mt_rand(1, 0x7FFFFFFF) : null);
+        $fp->execute();
+    }
+}
+
+mkv_log('Running slow cron once more...');
+
+// running cron after fuckery
+(new \Misuzu\Console\Commands\CronCommand)->dispatch(
+    new \Misuzu\Console\CommandArgs(['--slow'])
+);
+
+mkv_log('Done! Enjoy your garbage filled forum.');
diff --git a/devel/sample/MarkovDictionary.php b/devel/sample/MarkovDictionary.php
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..ec2a8a1f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/devel/sample/MarkovDictionary.php
@@ -0,0 +1,115 @@
+<?php
+class MarkovDictionary {
+    private const MAGIC = 'FMkD';
+    private const VERSION = 1;
+
+    private $handle;
+    private int $segmentSize;
+    private int $totalSegments;
+    private int $startSegments;
+
+    public function __construct(string $path) {
+        if(!is_file($path))
+            throw new InvalidArgumentException('$path does not exist.');
+
+        $this->handle = $handle = fopen($path, 'rb');
+
+        $magic = fread($handle, 4);
+        if($magic !== self::MAGIC)
+            throw new InvalidArgumentException('$path is not a valid markov dictionary.');
+
+        $header = fread($handle, 12);
+        if(strlen($header) !== 12)
+            throw new InvalidArgumentException('$path is missing header data.');
+
+        extract(unpack('Cversion/Cunused1/Cunused2/CsegmentSize/VtotalSegments/VstartSegments', $header));
+
+        if($version !== self::VERSION)
+            throw new InvalidArgumentException('$path version is incompatible.');
+
+        $this->segmentSize = $segmentSize;
+        $this->totalSegments = $totalSegments;
+        $this->startSegments = $startSegments;
+    }
+
+    public function close(): void {
+        if($this->handle !== null) {
+            fclose($this->handle);
+            $this->handle = null;
+        }
+    }
+
+    public function __destruct() {
+        $this->close();
+    }
+
+    private function reset(): void {
+        fseek($this->handle, 16, SEEK_SET);
+    }
+
+    public function getStartPosition(): int {
+        $randomStart = mt_rand(0, $this->startSegments) - 2;
+        if($randomStart > 0) {
+            for(;;) {
+                fseek($this->handle, 4 * $this->segmentSize, SEEK_CUR);
+                $isStart = fgetc($this->handle) !== "\0";
+
+                if($isStart) {
+                    if($randomStart < 1)
+                        break;
+                    --$randomStart;
+                }
+
+                extract(unpack('vnextSegments', fread($this->handle, 2)));
+
+                fseek($this->handle, 6 * $nextSegments, SEEK_CUR);
+            }
+
+            fseek($this->handle, -(4 * $this->segmentSize) - 1, SEEK_CUR);
+        }
+
+        $startPos = ftell($this->handle);
+        $this->reset();
+
+        return $startPos;
+    }
+
+    public function generate(int $safety = 2000, int $start = -1): string {
+        if($start < 0)
+            $start = $this->getStartPosition();
+
+        fseek($this->handle, $start, SEEK_SET);
+
+        $string = '';
+
+        for($s = 0; $s < $safety; ++$s) {
+            $string .= fread($this->handle, 4 * $this->segmentSize);
+
+            fseek($this->handle, 1, SEEK_CUR);
+
+            extract(unpack('vnextSegments', fread($this->handle, 2)));
+
+            if($nextSegments < 1)
+                break;
+
+            $nexts = [];
+
+            // really shitty weighting system
+            for($i = 0; $i < $nextSegments; ++$i) {
+                extract(unpack('Voffset/vweight', fread($this->handle, 6)));
+
+                for($j = 0; $j < $weight; ++$j)
+                    $nexts[] = $offset;
+            }
+
+            $offset = $nexts[array_rand($nexts)];
+
+            fseek($this->handle, $offset, SEEK_SET);
+        }
+
+        $this->reset();
+        $string = mb_convert_encoding($string, 'utf-8', 'utf-32le');
+
+        return trim($string);
+    }
+}
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/changes_logs.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/changes_logs.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..f687c0dc
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diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/changes_tags_descs.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/changes_tags_descs.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..3b2500af
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diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/changes_tags_names.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/changes_tags_names.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..15b9e826
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/changes_tags_names.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/changes_texts.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/changes_texts.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e6afebc5
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/changes_texts.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/comments_texts.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/comments_texts.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e03753c1
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/comments_texts.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/forums_cats_descs.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/forums_cats_descs.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..b37bd22f
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diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/forums_cats_names.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/forums_cats_names.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..a3e346e1
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diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/forums_posts_texts.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/forums_posts_texts.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..aa12504b
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diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/forums_topics_titles.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/forums_topics_titles.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..1d0e75a5
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diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/news_cats_descs.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/news_cats_descs.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..54e539f8
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/news_cats_descs.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/news_cats_names.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/news_cats_names.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..24caebf3
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/news_cats_names.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/news_posts_texts.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/news_posts_texts.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..5810fddf
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/news_posts_texts.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/news_posts_titles.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/news_posts_titles.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..4e5184dc
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/news_posts_titles.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/roles_descs.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/roles_descs.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..439ca9fb
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/roles_descs.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/roles_names.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/roles_names.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..71565c04
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/roles_names.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/roles_titles.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/roles_titles.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..46ec9487
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/roles_titles.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/users_abouts.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/users_abouts.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..fc98d38d
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/users_abouts.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/users_names.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/users_names.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..e4a8b763
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/users_names.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/users_sigs.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/users_sigs.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..16bda6c1
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/users_sigs.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/sample/dicts/users_titles.fmk b/devel/sample/dicts/users_titles.fmk
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..0254f829
Binary files /dev/null and b/devel/sample/dicts/users_titles.fmk differ
diff --git a/devel/set-random-avatars.php b/devel/set-random-avatars.php
new file mode 100644
index 00000000..4235e199
--- /dev/null
+++ b/devel/set-random-avatars.php
@@ -0,0 +1,27 @@
+<?php
+require_once __DIR__ . '/../misuzu.php';
+
+if(!MSZ_DEBUG)
+    die('Not running in debug mode. Are you sure you want to run this?' . PHP_EOL);
+
+define('SRA_URL', 'https://abyss.flash.moe/dev-avatars/_random.php');
+
+// oh boy this'll take a while
+$users = \Misuzu\Users\User::all();
+
+printf('[%s] Altering avatars for %d users.%s', date('H:i:s'), count($users), PHP_EOL);
+
+foreach($users as $user) {
+    printf('[%s] Changing avatar for %d %s...%s', date('H:i:s'), $user->getId(), $user->getUsername(), PHP_EOL);
+
+    if(mt_rand(0, 1000) > 950) {
+        printf('[%s]   Skipping this one.%s', date('H:i:s'), PHP_EOL);
+        continue;
+    }
+
+    printf('[%s]   Downloading image from %s...%s', date('H:i:s'), SRA_URL, PHP_EOL);
+    $data = file_get_contents(SRA_URL);
+
+    printf('[%s]   Applying through stupid roundabout method...%s', date('H:i:s'), PHP_EOL);
+    $user->getAvatarInfo()->setFromData($data);
+}
diff --git a/src/DB.php b/src/DB.php
index 6ce4293d..4f671307 100644
--- a/src/DB.php
+++ b/src/DB.php
@@ -35,6 +35,10 @@ final class DB {
         return self::$instance->{$name}(...$args);
     }
 
+    public static function getInstance(): Database {
+        return self::$instance;
+    }
+
     public static function buildDSN(array $vars): string {
         $dsn = ($vars['driver'] ?? 'mysql') . ':';