flash.moe/public/chat/lib/class/satori.php

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2020-08-20 00:02:37 +00:00
<?php
// Configuration
$satoriSetting = array();
$satoriSetting['enabled'] = true;
$satoriSetting['userID'] = 9;
$satoriSetting['userName'] = 'Satori';
$satoriSetting['userRank'] = BOTS;
$satoriSetting['userIP'] = '127.0.0.1';
// Parsing
$satoriParse = strtolower($text);
$satoriParse = preg_replace('/\\[(?:\\/)?(\\w+)(?:=([^<>]*?))?\\]/ms', '', $satoriParse);
$textParts = explode(' ', $satoriParse);
// Random Stuff
$randomInsultArray = ['nigger', 'faggot', 'jew', 'scum'];
$randomInsult = $randomInsultArray[array_rand($randomInsultArray)];
$defaultResponseArray = ['What do you want, '.$randomInsult.'?', 'Kindly fuck off.', 'Don\'t know how to "%s" something.', 'Come again?', 'Satori returned an empty result set (i.e. zero rows).'];
$defaultResponse = sprintf($defaultResponseArray[array_rand($defaultResponseArray)], $textParts[0]);
// Actions
if(preg_match('/^k$/im', $satoriParse)) {
$satoriResp = ['Thank you for your amazing and insightful message. It is truly an honour to have this message in my database. I can\'t thank you more than to say go fuck yourself. You truly touched me... Thank you.'];
}
if(preg_match('/^time to break the chat$/im', $satoriParse)) {
$satoriResp = [$randomInsult => 'Stay away from me fucking %s!'];
}
if(preg_match('/^all aboard the sailboat$/im', $satoriParse)) {
$satoriResp = ['Why would we get on something that is about to sink :^)'];
}
// Reactions
if(preg_match('/^satori/im', $textParts[0])) {
switch($satoriInput = preg_replace('/^satori? ?/', '', $satoriParse)) {
case 'version':
$satoriResp = ['[b][color=Red]S[/color][color=Ruby]a[/color][color=Citrine]t[/color][color=Green]o[/color][color=Teal]r[/color][color=Cobalt]i[/color][/b] Version not [b]6[/b]'];
break;
case 'what are you':
$satoriResp = ['I am nice girl for nice chat.', '[img]http://i.imgur.com/NcFitL2.jpg[/img]'];
break;
case 'hi':
$satoriResp = ['sup'];
break;
case 'help':
$satoriResp = ['If you need help with things refer to the [url=http://flashii.net/r/faq]FAQ[/url].', 'If this didn\'t help you don\'t hesitate to ask an active user.'];
break;
case 'why do you exist':
$satoriResp = ['So you have someone to hate. <3'];
break;
case 'suck my dick':
$satoriResp = ['Do you even have one? Can\'t see it.'];
break;
case 'make me admin':
$satoriResp = ['Why the fuck would you WANT admin? It\'s nothing more than extra work for an ugly red username! Look now the colour for deactivated user, that one\'s fucking hot.'];
break;
case 'anime':
$satoriResp = ['Oh god, i wish i could leave this chat but i\'m stuck in here ;__;'];
break;
case 'e':
$satoriResp = ['Do I look like Nasbot or something?'];
break;
case 'i hate you':
$satoriResp = ['Now that\'s cute...'];
break;
case 'ban me':
$satoriResp = ['That takes effort that I don\'t want to stick in your puny worthless soul.', 'Just kidding I love you :kiss:'];
break;
case 'meow':
$satoriResp = ['Mewow!'];
break;
case 'imgur':
$satoriResp = ['A site filled with self-absorbed retards. They whore themselves for \'karma\', and circlejerk each other like there\'s no tomorrow.'];
break;
case 'puush':
$satoriResp = ['Something you should be using.'];
break;
case 'what is flash\'s password':
case 'what is flashwave\'s password':
case 'what is moka\'s password':
$satoriResp = ['/suicide', 'I do recommend sending it in chat right now.'];
break;
case 'what do you think about snailmush':
case 'what do you like snailmush':
case 'snailmush':
$satoriResp = ['I-it\'s not like I like him or-or any-anything...... ;_;'];
break;
case 'x snailmush':
case 'loves snailmush':
case 'do you love snailmush':
case 'do you love snailmush?':
$satoriResp = ['NO!', '[s]Trigger Kick'];
break;
case 'flashwave':
case 'what do you think about flashwave':
$satoriResp = ['Massive faggot, no spine, fucking jew and a retard. Do I need to continue?', '[i]Have you seen that nigger blog? Holy shit he sucks.[/i]'];
break;
case 'loli':
case 'pettanko':
$satoriResp = ['Whatever you do, ignore the Ruby Projects folder.'];
break;
case 'saibateku':
$satoriResp = ['That place is still up?'];
break;
case 'titanic':
$satoriResp = ['Did you mean Sailboat?'];
break;
case 'did sailboat sink yet':
$satoriResp = ['No but I wish it would. Fuck that place. Seems to be getting pretty close however...'];
break;
case 'malwareup':
$satoriResp = ['Good malware discussion forum.'];
break;
case 'flashii':
$satoriResp = ['Mediocre shithole. 0/10'];
break;
case 'cybernetics':
$satoriResp = ['Did you mean "Saibateku"?'];
break;
case 'nathat':
$satoriResp = ['shut up'];
break;
case 'waifu':
case 'inori aizawa':
case 'internet explorer tan':
$satoriResp = ['Inori Aizawa Is Mai Waifu.', 'Welcome To Mai Web Browser Is Mai Waifu Land!'];
break;
case 'napata':
$satoriResp = ['Seems to be the only female user besides me, except I\'m a bot so she\'s still alone...'];
break;
case 'techno':
case 'technotechno':
case 'technotechnotechno':
$satoriResp = ['Doesn\'t even deserve a line. Wait hang on...'];
break;
case 'tekuno':
$satoriResp = ['How can this world even contain that massive of a faggot?'];
break;
case 'webkit':
case 'safari':
case 'blink':
case 'chrome':
$satoriResp = [':puke::puke::puke:'];
break;
case 'gecko':
case 'trident':
case 'internet explorer':
case 'iexplore':
case 'firefox':
case 'mozilla firefox':
$satoriResp = [':love::love::love:'];
break;
case 'bribob':
case 'bribob4':
$satoriResp = ['Mediocre faggot. 0/10'];
break;
case 'kelopez':
case 'brante':
$satoriResp = ['http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican'];
break;
case 'kamil':
case 'rakowski':
case 'kamilrakowsko':
$satoriResp = ['http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jews'];
break;
case 'secret':
$satoriResp = ['I\'m not a secret ripoff, what are you talking about?', '[i]My code is better, time to kill yourself![/i]'];
break;
case 'koishi':
$satoriResp = ['Don\'t fuck with Koishi.'];
break;
case ':^)':
$satoriResp = ['8^)'];
break;
case 'nookls':
$satoriResp = ['HOOOOLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYY CRAP NOOKLS IS SO AMAZING WOWOWOWOWOWOW HE\'S ACTUALLY ON THIS SITE WORSHIP WORSHIP AMAZING BRILLIANT I LOVE YOU NOOKLS WE ALL LOVE YOU WE LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS FANGIRLS LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT!'];
break;
case 'zeniea':
$satoriResp = ['For whatever reason I have the urge to say "This place smells like a catholic church on crack"...'];
break;
case 'zquest':
$satoriResp = ['Good comic 10/10'];
break;
case 'fuck me':
$satoriResp = [':wtf:'];
break;
case 'satori':
$satoriResp = ['Wait, what are you trying to do?'];
break;
case 'satori satori':
$satoriResp = ['Don\'t fucking do this to me you nigger...'];
break;
case 'satori satori satori':
$satoriResp = ['[b][i]I\'ll fucking murder you![/i][/b]'];
break;
case 'satori satori satori satori':
$satoriResp = ['no don\'t'];
break;
case 'satori satori satori satori satori':
$satoriResp = ['please don\'t do this to me'];
break;
case 'satori satori satori satori satori satori':
$satoriResp = ['i have a waifu and kids'];
break;
case 'satori satori satori satori satori satori satori':
$satoriResp = ['okay i was kidding about the kids part'];
break;
case 'satori satori satori satori satori satori satori satori':
$satoriResp = ['rip life'];
break;
case 'misaka':
case 'mikoto':
case 'mikoto misaka':
case 'misaka mikoto':
$satoriResp = ['Oh it\'s the 2D bitch that Flashwave gets off to...'];
break;
case 'you are annoying':
case 'please die':
case 'die':
$satoriResp = ['Well I\'m God and you can\'t do shit.'];
break;
case 'misaka-20001':
$satoriResp = ['We\'ll have to move one of these days...', 'The good ol\' Pentium 4 doesn\'t seem to be able to handle shit anymore...'];
break;
case 'how old are you':
case 'how old is flashii':
case 'how old is koishi':
$satoriResp = [date_diff(date_create('2013-01-27 22:14:44 UTC'), date_create(date('Y-m-d H:i:s e')))->format('%y year(s), %m month(s), %d day(s), %H hour(s), %i minute(s) and %s second(s)')];
break;
case 'how old is zeniea':
case 'how old is secret':
$satoriResp = [date_diff(date_create('2011-07-07 00:00:00 UTC'), date_create(date('Y-m-d H:i:s e')))->format('%y year(s), %m month(s), %d day(s), %H hour(s), %i minute(s) and %s second(s)')];
break;
case 'how old is zquest':
$satoriResp = [date_diff(date_create('2013-11-16 00:00:00 UTC'), date_create(date('Y-m-d H:i:s e')))->format('%y year(s), %m month(s), %d day(s), %H hour(s), %i minute(s) and %s second(s)')];
break;
case 'are you broken':
case 'are you broken?':
case 'is flashii broken':
case 'is flashii broken?':
$satoriResp = ['yes'];
break;
default:
$satoriResp = [$defaultResponse];
break;
}
}
// Check if disabled
if(!$satoriSetting['enabled'])
$satoriResp = null;
// Bring the process of sending a message down to one if
if(isset($satoriResp)) {
foreach($satoriResp as $directives => $response) {
if($response == '[s]Trigger Kick') {
$this->logout('Kicked');
} else {
$this->insertCustomMessage(
$satoriSetting['userID'],
$satoriSetting['userName'],
$satoriSetting['userRank'],
$this->getChannel(),
vsprintf($response, $directives),
$satoriSetting['userIP'],
0
);
}
}
}